Post by topher lane. on Jul 21, 2009 9:42:24 GMT -5
topher thomas lane
twenty-five , civilian & neurotic .
twenty-five , civilian & neurotic .
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YOUR NAME laurasaurus.[/i] in the equation – watching a film at a theater in Tehran, Iran in the year 1978. The why could’ve been a number of things; that his mother was insistent on Siamak going out and meeting women so he could squeeze out a few grandbabies before the old lady bit the dust, that all of his American friends from the embassy at which he worked were going to see it… but, weirdly enough, the real reason for the why came after. Why? Superman was the best fucking movie he’d ever seen – an experience he’d keep in mind for a long, long time.
AGE eighteen.
GENDER wat.
YEARS ROLEPLAYING oh god.
HOW YOU FOUND US elle linked me. that vixen!
HOW TO CONTACT YOU owl.
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FULL NAME holy shit, it’s christopher thomas lane, you guys.
NICKNAME though during his high school and early college years he went simply by the utterly unoriginal “chris,” upon meeting cora (the fair maiden who bestowed upon him the following nickname) he exclusively goes by “topher.” only his old friends from high school (who are ignorant of this sudden change in nickname) and his mother (who, being brutally old-fashioned, refuses to call him anything but “christopher”) are exceptions to the rule. a lesser-used nickname, “evil toph,” was given to him by a disgruntled scrabble opponent; topher may be somewhat timid elsewhere, but in the realm of scrabble, he is a pitiless dictator. and, to poke fun at his vegetarian sensibilities, cora added the nicknames “tophu” and “topherukey” to his list of nicknames only she can get away with. a nickname no one can get away with was andy gave him; gopher. not. cool.
BIRTH DATE october thirteenth, 1983.
AGE twenty-five / graduate student.
GENDER in possession of external genitalia! huzzah!
GROUP citizen.
GRADE he’s a graduate student, if that counts.
OCCUPATION he’s a journalism grad student at seattle university, but to pay the bills he works at a comic book shop, and usually gets the gig where he has to go out on the street corner in costume and hold up the “SALE!” sign.
HOMETOWN westwood, california.
HERITAGE persian-jewish, plain old jewish, and italian. perjalian, if you will.
SEXUALITY bisexual, and it’s all fucking carlisle scarborough’s fault!
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HAIR COLOR blackish brown.
EYE COLOR brownish black.
HEIGHT six foot two.
WEIGHT a buck seventy.
BUILD tall and lanky, with a little muscle and a lot of hair.
FASHION SENSEtopher has a taste for outfits that might look ridiculous on any other man. in fact, they have a tendency to look ridiculous on him. luckily for him, though, his younger sister lois – in addition to being a dorky math major – is an avid viewer of what not to wear and gets immense satisfaction from choosing his outfits for him. she chooses the classy stuff – button-downs, aviator sunglasses, the kind of trenchcoat that doesn’t make him look like a flasher – and he sometimes manages to squeeze in pieces like his favorite plaid shirt, sneakers the fresh prince of bel air would be proud of, and colorful cardigans. thanks to the mix of what he wants and what he needs, he actually looks pretty well put together.
PORTRAYED BY the quints.
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LIKES
- comic books – and he better, given that he kind of works at a shop that sells them. can anybody even fathom a non-fanboy comic book store worker?
- collecting odd pieces of furniture, like the pool-ball coat rack he has tucked in the corner of the foyer in his and max’s apartment.
- cora’s impromptu taxi cab confessions mini-marathons at two in the morning.
- placing snarls barkley’s small puggy body on canine-phobic max’s chest when he’s too sleepy to fight it.
- reading. he’s kind of impatient and a master multi-tasker, perusing multiple manuscripts at a time; he’s currently halfway through good news from outer space and on the third page of the advance copy of pride and prejudice and zombies he’s reviewing on behalf of la mag. unfortunately, though, he’s not getting paid for that yet, either.
- scrabble!
- steven spielberg’s masterpiece! according to topher, surprisingly, it isn’t raiders of the lost ark (close, though!) or et or even schindler’s list – it’s munich. why, you ask? well, in most movies, the jews are getting their asses handed to them. eric bana in munich? not so much. he’s the one kickin’ ass and taking names, and goddamn, it’s awesome.
- sunflower seeds.
- the boxers cora got him on the first christmas after they met… they have little ufos printed all over them and the words “THE TRUTH IS IN HERE” sewed to the butt. he (as well as pretty much all of los angeles’s residents) were surprised that they haven’t decomposed since then; topher wears ’em every chance he gets.
- the x-files.
- when friends pay attention to and remember little things... it just gives the warm fuzzies and reaffirms that they care and want to make him happy. kind of like beer.
DISLIKES
- artsy-fartsy-ness. see, back in the day, when he was a bright-eyed freshie at new york university, ge came in thinking, “i’m totally going for graphic design.” but, lo and behold, that first class – art critique – was completely ridiculous. you’d probably think so too if the girl who sat next you exclaimed, “i find that highly offensive!” when looking at a still-life. of a teapot.
- bees!
- being on the outside of an inside joke.
- brown m&ms – he just doesn’t really see the point of making a candy-covered chocolate the color that it already is.
- figure skating.
- meat is a biggie, which is appropriate, because he’s a die-hard vegetarian (makes sticking to kosher a lot easier, too). especially raw meat… sushi’s disgusting.
- people who feel the need to fill up silences when it isn’t an awkward silence. a comfortable silence never hurt anybody. except, you know, maybe that one time.
- tequila.
- the frequent overuse of “that’s what she said” jokes.
- whenever max thinks using instant messenger abbreviations in conversation is funny. or appropriate.
STRENGTHS
- he has a vocabulary your english teacher would shake in her boots at. hence, he rocks the hizzy at Scrabble.
- he seems to exhibit a rather accessible demeanor, at least when he’s interviewing. hence, as a journalist, he can get almost anything out of anyone.
- sex. or so he’s been told.
- topher has pretty awesome survival skills, having been actively involved in boy scouts and making it all the way up to the second-highest rank, life scout. this, of course, was his destiny, so he could be prepared for the forthcoming zombie apocalypse.
- is an incredibly loyal and dedicated friend; for those he cares about most, he will do just about anything (not even short of breaking the law).
- he’s a pretty decent artist. recently, he’s been working on remaking posters of his favorite movies in the graphic style of the 70’s.
WEAKNESSES
- he cannot, for the life of him, fall asleep in his bed – or any other, for that matter. topher instead falls asleep on the couch in his apartment, usually to the soothing sound of the television on full blast.
- he’s extremely overprotective. just ask that poor kid who rejected his sister’s invitation to the junior prom.
- he has a pretty low level of confidence in his abilities, claiming his writing sucks not simply to gain reassurance from his peers, but because he genuinely believes it’s so.
- he drinks waaaaaaaaay too much coffee (his usual fix being a grande soy latte).
- how topher could’ve lived in new york and los angeles is absolutely perplexing. he has absolutely no sense of direction; even in the contained environment of a building, he has the tendency to go down all the wrong corridors. he has pretty much no cartographic skills, and often has to condescend to ask cora to accompany him on his rare shopping trips (well, he also needs her because he usually falls asleep getting there, too – he’s pretty helpless when it comes to shopping). but as annoying as this problem is in the city, it becomes exponentially worse in rural areas. wanna hide from topher? just go to the countryside. believe me, you will never see him again.
- tv on dvd. when it comes between eating for the next three days and that ridiculously overpriced copy of freaks & geeks… well, he could dress up in a cardboard box and beg for food, right? he makes for a convincing hobo, topher.
- whenever he’s in a car, or subway (even when he’s standing up), or airplane, or any mode of transportation that doesn’t require activity, he instantly falls asleep. which is why he always needs a traveling companion to wake him so as to not miss a stop.
GOALS
- tame lions.
- get laid by cora.
- same difference!
FEARS
- accidentally ingesting that toxin that’s in puffer fish that he’s pretty sure is in every piece of sushi (even the vegetarian-friendly avocado rolls, which are pretty much the only thing he eats there) at sushi samba, even though cora insists it’s highly implausible.
- babies and old people (with the exception of his grandpa joe for latter – who is a huge fucking exception, seeing as he’s like the coolest guy ever). he never knows how he’s supposed to act around either of them.
- ever since he fell asleep to an apocalyptic special on the discovery channel discussing the following event, he’s been quite afraid that the earth’s atmosphere will suddenly leave and suck everyone into space. he once recounted this fear to cora’s uproarious laughter. naturally, he hasn’t spoken of it since.
- he likes to learn, but it isn’t his primary motivation factor in sticking around and getting a master’s degree. he’s actually quite frightened of not being able to obtain a job afterwards and is thusly putting it off for as long as he can. the job market isn’t exactly booming for journalism majors with pretty hefty to moderate computer skills.
SECRETS
- according to max, this is about a big of a skeleton in the closet as the pope being catholic, but topher sure likes to think it’s a secret; he’s madly in love with his best friend, cora west.
- he frequently watches s club 7 clips on youtube.
TRAITS
- quiet.
- observant.
- possessive.
- loyal.
- nerdy.
- witty.
- selective.
- easily stressed (and secretly thrives on it).
- neurotic.
- insecure.
- impatient.
- kind.
- protective.
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PARENTS
thomas daniel lane [born siamak larian], 65, american government teacher • father
(reza najie)
gianna “judge gia” ethel lane [née kavalier], 61, los angeles county judge • mother
(cristine rose)
SIBLINGS
maxwell cornelius lane, 24, assistant manager at the copy kingdom • little brother
(zachary levi)
lois carmella lane (really!), 21, mathematics major at mit • little sister
(jordana brewster [in glasses])
sebastian clark lane, 20, pre-med major at ucla • little-er brother
(joseph gordon-levitt)
OTHER FAMILY
josef “grandpa joe” martin kavalier, 82, retired comic book artist • maternal grandfather
(leonard nimoy)
burt reynolds, 3, spooning with snarls barkley • kitty
(the orange cat topher’s holding!)
snarls barkley, 2, spooning with burt reynolds • pug
(the pug topher’s wallowing with!)
BULLETED HISTORY
Aside from the fact that the tagline – “you’ll believe a man can fly” – was entirely true of the film, the other reason it struck him so deeply was that Metropolis was pleasant escape from the current toils plaguing the nation he loved. As the conservatives took hold of the country, he had many reasons to be afraid. For one thing, he worked at the American embassy, a country with whom Iran was giddily burning bridges, and he was a Jew. In spite the near daily threats against his life, he wasn’t going to be driven away from his home without a fight. But his gesture looked less brave and more suicidal when the leader of the Persian Jews was assassinated. His mother purchased him a passport with the last of her savings and he bought a ticket to Los Angeles with the last of his. She placed a folded piece of paper in his hand with the address of some distant relatives living in Westwood and kissed his forehead. “The Iran of today is not for you. I forbid you to come back!” she smiled through her tears.
It was the last time he’d ever seen or heard from his mother.
When his plane touched down at LAX, he had his freedom, but not much else. For the next few months, he slept on his cousin Anoosh’s couch while devoting himself full-time to becoming an American citizen. It was relatively easy for him, given that it was his job at the embassy to completely understand all of these ridiculous facts. Nonetheless, it was a proud moment to be a citizen and not worry about being deported if he called his boss at the Sack n’Pack an ignorant asshole again. He didn’t want to forget who he was or where he came from, but he did want to make it even easier for him to make his way in the world. So Siamak purchased a baby name book an perused, settling on Thomas and Daniel for the first and middle. And for the last? He remembered Margot Kidder’s glorious smile in the movie he fell in love with all those years ago… Lane.
“Siamak Larian,” the girl at desk at the whatever department was in charge of legal name changes stared at his birth certificate, “my condolences.”
She then proceeded to insult his choice of tie for the day, his hair, and his new name change. Her constant grumpiness probably had something to do with the girl being a half-Jewish and half-Italian, two ethnic groups raging at each other deep within her genes. Her name was Gia Kavalier, and the real reason she was throwing her best insults was because she was madly in love with the man who shall henceforth be known as Thomas Lane. Hey, just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to like them.
It remained true through their courtship, marriage, and the birth of their first child. On the day of Topher’s birth, Gia and Thomas had gotten into one of their epic, hormonal arguments (these usually take place on Tuesday). Gia, so enraged by the petty argument, didn’t think it necessary to fill Thomas in on the fact that her water broke. So she spitefully dawdled until the very last minute, resulting in Topher’s birth place being the carpool lane of the 101. Topher’s birth was the subject of the musing of many a human-interest-story-depraved local news station for about, oh, two days before he and his family faded into obscurity.
Without a beat, Thomas and Gia proceeded to add another squealing hurricane to the family, his parents naming him Maxwell… while Topher thought “Max” sounded less lame and prone to schoolyard bullying. Not that Topher was an expert with lots of experience on the subject of how avoid those situations. Though he had some pretty fun ideas on how to play “pretend,” he usually only got to share them with his little brother and the other social lepers of elementary school.
Then there was Lois. Poor, poor Lois. Regardless of the fact that she came with a name even Topher couldn’t amend with catchy nickname, she was a girl, and Gia was satisfied. Wanting no more chances to add another tragically nerdy Lane kid to the family, she convinced Thomas to obtain a vasectomy. Thomas being Thomas, he chose to ignore a little nugget of information about the procedure ont being completely in effect until the next month. Nine months later, enter Sebastian, the vasectomy baby.
Once Sebastian could walk and be attached to a child leash, Thomas immediately decided to take the family on summer vacations. Since he was a little too excited about his adoptive country (as if naming himself after the girlfriend of America’s greatest superhero and becoming a high school government teacher wasn’t enough), instead of going to Disneyland every summer like every normal family, they went to all the most thoroughly American landmarks imaginable. They went to Revolutionary War reenactments at Williamsburg or go on tours of every museum in DC. On one of those trips, at ten years of age, he met his first love; New York City. The trip was principally to witness the glorious majesty of the Statue of Liberty, but although that was pretty cool, he was enchanted by everything else. The buildings so tall only king kong could’ve scaled them, the food, the people… he made a vow to every divine power from Jehovah to Cthulu that he’d someday return.
Topher made good on that promise when he got into New York University. He was the textbook example of the kid who went into orientation knowing exactly what he wanted, what classes he’d take… and then learning later he didn’t know what the fuck he was thinking. Fortunately, his heartbreak was distracted by that of his roommate’s girlfriend, Zuri Freeman. Because Roberto was a business major and thus a complete cock-sucker, he dumped Zuri after only a month. Topher, who’d never had a girlfriend up until this point, gleefully swooped in. And it was great. They took it slow… it wasn’t until about five months later that Zuri announced rather bluntly that she wanted to make love to him. And that was going great… until…
“Topher, say something racist.”
“Wait, what?”
Zuri, who was an African American sex goddess, apparently got turned on by racist remarks. Topher, who was completely and understandably shocked, managed to stammer:
“Um, you couldn’t get a loan unless I co-signed?”
They broke up the next morning.
With nothing to distract him from the slight existential crisis regarding his major, he wallowed. He was wallowing so much that he didn’t even listen to his parents’ and max’s suggestions to return to la for the summer, which might have been a good idea, but if he hadn’t done that, he would’ve never taken Kenneth Adams’s “Techniques of Feature Writing” class. Don’t be deterred by the unimaginative title; Professor Adams is an awesome teacher. So awesome, in fact, that Topher actually took advantage of his office hours and just talked. It wasn’t that hard for Adams to convince him that journalism was the right way to go. Topher got on the staff of the school newspaper the next semester and lived happily ever after.
He graduated with honors two years ago and, though Adams had offered to give his personal recommendation to a few publications, Topher decided that that wasn’t going to be the end of it, as far as education went. He instead obtained a position as assistant to Professor Adams, which would require switching coasts and schools; Adams was accepting tenure at Seattle University. He loved New York with the depth of his being, but feared failure even more, so he pussyed out and hopped on a plane to Seattle. Partially wallowing in this massive feat of success, and partially because he knew absolutely no one in Seattle other than Adams, Topher decided it was worthy of a rare night to get completely wasted (in spite of the fact that it was Wednesday). It probably gave one particular girl – Cora West – an inaccurate impression of his personality. But, then again, she was as hammered as he was and didn’t remember too terribly much of their first meeting. Other than, of course, his excessively lame compliment about how the moles on her arm looked like a constellation of stars (seriously – it’s Orion!).
It wasn’t to be their only fated meeting. As it transpired, Cora was taking one of Professor Adams’s classes. Harboring only the single biggest crush on the petite blonde, Topher went a little out of his way to talk to her. Though they used their friendship in favor of Cora’s grade, it was definitely a little more than a means to an end. They both had a shameless addiction to zombie lore and odd sleeping patterns (which, although eHarmony doesn’t match its members based on these two qualities, they probably should – it’s very important in any relationship). Over time, Topher’d been kind of hopeful that he’d be satisfied with seeing her as a BFF, but he’d rather drop one of those F’s for BF.[/ul]
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ANYTHING ELSE anna has an eye patch, vanessa has a peg leg. la dolce vita is just a pirate ship.
ROLEPLAY SAMPLE
“hey, cora, wanna dance?” topher offered enthusiastically.
“hey, topher, wanna die?” cora replied.[/blockquote][/font][/color][/size]
